An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed,” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back at the man and replied,

“Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old.

I just bought this hat yesterday!”

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It was entertainment night at the senior center, and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, ‘Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.’

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. ‘I want each one of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.’

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ‘Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…’

The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces……………

‘SHIT!’ said the hypnotist…

It took three days to clean up the senior center.

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An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled, “He says you were speeding!”

The patrolman said, “May I see your license?”

The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man yells, “He said he thinks he knows you!”

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“I’ve sure gotten old” said Fred!
“I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded,
and subject to blackouts.

I have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands
and feet anymore.

I can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
And I have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license!”

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