It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn’t been able to think of a
sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p.m. he finally said to his wife,
“Dear, I think I’ve come up with the perfect sermon! I’m going to give a sermon about horseback riding!”

She said, “Don’t be silly! You can’t give a sermon about horseback riding!”
He replied, “Well, it’s going to have to do because I’ve preached on just about every other subject I can think of.”

The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, “I can’t believe
that you’re insisting on doing this! You know, if you’re going to give that
silly sermon on horseback riding, I’m just going to stay in the car during the service.”

He said, “OK, then, suit yourself!”, so, she stayed in the car.

Entering church before the service, the preacher had a sudden inspiration
and gave a hell-fire and brimstone sermon on SEX that just had the congregation in awe.

As the congregation filed out of the church, some of the members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window.

One of them said, “Wow! You just missed the best sermon your husband has ever given!”
She said, “Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big but he’s only tried it twice in his life! “Once before we were married and once after, and he fell off both times!”

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While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass
by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other
if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very
nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable
about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a
problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, “This
is for washing our hair.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the
counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag
with the beer. “The curlers are on me.”

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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter says to the guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I`m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi- driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it`s the minister`s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary`s for the last forty-three years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. I get a simple cotton robe and wooden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; but while this guy drove, people prayed.”

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A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. “How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,” said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”
The little boy said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.”

The preacher said, “I’m a minister, and I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t even remember how to cuss.”
The little boy looked at him happily and said,

“You just keep pulling on that rope. It’ll come back to ya!”

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