An old battle axe of a woman said to Winston Churchill,

“If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea.”

Churchill’s response, “Ma’am if you were my wife I would drink it.”

-Winston Churchill

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TV commercials now show you how detergents take out
bloodstains, a pretty violent image there.

I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all
over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

-Jerry Seinfeld

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1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 427 percent of all statistics are made up on the pot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, “What happened?”

22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

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Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
— Winston Churchill

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
— Benjamin Franklin

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
— Ernest Hemmingway

I have yet to meet a woman that I couldn’t drink pretty.
— Anonymous

When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading.
— Anonymous

If alcohol is a crutch, then Jack Daniels is the wheelchair.
— Anonymous

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.
— Mitch Hedberg

To alcohol! The cause of … and solution to all of life’s problems!
— Homer Simpson

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
— George Bernard Shaw

Reality is an illusion created by the lack of alcohol.
— Anonymous

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