Just call me milk, I’ll do your body good.

Your body’s name must be Visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be.

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

My love for you is like the Energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I’ll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I’ll do it your way, right away.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.

Is that Windex you’re wearing? Because I can see myself in your pants.

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

Wanna play house? You be the screen door and I’ll slam you all night long.

Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I’ve seem to have lost mine.

I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?

I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

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Dear Abby: Are birth control pills deductible?
Abby: Only if they don’t work.

Dear Abby: What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress?
Abby: Night and Day.

Dear Abby: I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Abby: Simple. Go to your superior officer and say these 2 words: I’m Gay.

Dear Abby: I’ve been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he’s going out with me just for what he can get?
Abby: I don’t know. What’s he getting?

Dear Abby: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I’d like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he’d like?
Abby: Never mind what he’d like. Give him a tie.

Dear Abby: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
Abby: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.

Dear Abby: Do you think about dying much?
Abby: No, it’s the last thing I want to do.

Dear Abby: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time?
Abby: Yes, and also hazardous.

Dear Abby: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Abby: Yes, Run for public office.

Dear Abby: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, “I’ve heard a lot about you?”
Abby: It depends on what you’ve heard.

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What is the best place for a haunted house?
On a dead end street.

What is a mummy’s favorite type of music?
Wrap!

What does Dracula get when he doesn’t brush his teeth
Bat breath.

Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?
Their bats flew away.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.

What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates.

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.

How do ghosts begin letters?
“Tomb it may concern”

What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
“You are driving me batty.”

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream

Why wasn’t there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a goblin!

How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.

What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray.

What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
Mas-scare-a.

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1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 427 percent of all statistics are made up on the pot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, “What happened?”

22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

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