I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy

If you stop having sex, drinking and smoking, You don’t live longer…It just seems like it.

Medicine is like advice, easy to give, hard to take.

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Knowledge was never known to enter the head via an open mouth.

I don’t approve of political jokes…
I’ve seen too many of them get elected!

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* Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

* Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

* There are 3 kinds of people: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

* A client asked his lawyer how to plead. The lawyer said, “On your knees!”

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

* At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

* The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money.

* I’ve changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.

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1. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea…does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

2. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

3. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of  bald men?

4. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

5. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

7. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
8. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

9. Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

10. Why is it that every time the price of a barrel of oil goes up, the prices at the pumps IMMEDIATELY increase? Doesn’t it take a while after the oil companies buy the oil for it to be refined and then piped to wherever it is going?

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• It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
• The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
• Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
• Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
• When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
• If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.
• The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
• Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
• Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• Failure is not getting knocked down… It’s not getting back up!
• Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
• I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
• There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
• Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.
• Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
• Stupidity got us into this mess-why can’t it get us out?
• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
• I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
• Indecision is the key to flexibility.
• In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
• I considered atheism but there weren’t enough holidays.
• I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
• My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
• I am having an out of money experience.
• I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

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