A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the
ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to
start a conversation several times, but the older man barely
responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

“Well,” the man says, “I ran afoul of one of those questions
women ask. Now I’m in the doghouse.”

“What kind of question” the neighbor asks?

“My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old,
fat and ugly.”

“That’s easy,” says the neighbor. “You just say, ‘Of course I
will.’”

“Yeah,” says the other man, “that’s what I meant to say. But
what came out was, ‘Of course I do.’”

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An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was stunned by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?’”

“Let’s see,” Martha said. “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry “And you did it to save my life, so I of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Alright,” Martha said, a little more hesitant. “So do you remember when you ran for president of the yacht club, and you needed 73 more votes…?”

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A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed.

The wife said to her husband, “You’re impossible,”

To which the husband replied, “No. I’m next to impossible.”

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There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
“I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.” “Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we get naked?”

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

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