A doctor tells a rich old man that he’s going to die if he doesn’t get a new heart soon.

The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object.

A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive. The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.

“Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course but it costs $100,000.”

The old man, waving off the last part about the cost, asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor.

“This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart will set you back $150,000.”

“Okay,” said the old man, “What about the third heart?”

“Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish… this heart is going for $500,000!”

The old man said, “Why so expensive?”

“Well,” said the doctor, “This heart belonged to a lawyer… so it was never used!”

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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”

“Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!”

“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”

“But, I did send them.”

“What? You did?” said the lawyer, incredulously.

“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”

“I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.

“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

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There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say that you’re a lawyer.”

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, “Oh! You’re a lawyer?” He said, “Why, yes I am!” So they went to his place.

When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”

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A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:
“What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?” the minister asked.

“Try to fix it if it’s big; ignore it if it’s insignificant,” replied the lawyer.
“What do you do?”

The minister replied “Oh, more or less the same.

Let me give you an example.

The other day I meant to say ‘the devil is the father of liars,’

but instead I said ‘the devil is the father of lawyers,’ so I let it go.”

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