This morning on the interstate I looked over to my left and
there was a WOMAN in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph
with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her
eyeliner. 

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I
looked back she was halfway over in my lane,  still working
on that makeup. 

As a man, I don’t scare easily, but she scared
me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the
donut out of my other hand. 

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the cell phone, soaked my pants, and disconnected an important call. 

Women drivers!

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A lady takes her car to the mechanic and told him
“Every time I Take any of my friends out in my car,
After a while there is this terrible smell.

It never happens when I am driving alone.” This intrigued the mechanic,
so he said, “OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is.”

Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 70 MPH,
swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three
pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a
policeman on street traffic duty.

Then, they returned to the shop, and she said, “There it is now…
there’s that terrible smell. Can you smell it?”

“Smell it? Lady, I’m sitting in it!”

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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 85 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”

The wife smiles and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.” As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $50 fine.”

The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

“Only when he’s been drinking.”

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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.”
“Where shall I put it to get it warm?”

He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.

“But what about the smell?”
“Just hold its nose.”

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

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