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Grandma made such beautiful pies! One day, I asked her

"How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?"
"Well, it’s a family secret," she said. "But if you promise not to tell

I’ll let you in on it."
"Okay," I said. "Tell me!"
"Well, first, I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and even.

Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put in the pie plate and make sure it is firmly against the sides of the plate.

 
Then I slowly pour in the filling, making sure it’s not too full.
Next, I cut out the top layer and carefully put it over the filling.
Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust and they make the nicest even impressions you ever did see!!

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Soccer moms have Rachel Ray. Rednecks have this lady!

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‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking
And moaning and bitching.

I’ve been here for hours, I cant stop to rest.
This room’s a disaster,
Just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I’ve got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings.
Who cares what I need !

My feet are both blistered,
I’ve got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There’s a knock at the door, and the telephones ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter
As the microwave’s dinging.

Two pies in the oven,
Dessert’s almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I’ve had all I can stand, I can’t take anymore;
Then in walks my husband,
Spilling rum on the floor.

He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles
“The eggnog is ready !”

He looks all around and with total regret,
Says “Whats taking so long….
Aren’t you through in here yet??”

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe;
I wanted his life!

He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams “MY GOD WOMAN,
YOU’RE GOING INSANE !!”

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh shit it’s the pies!!
They’re burned all to hell !!

I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL
Instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living,
I’d rather be dead.

Lord, don’t get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted,
All shaky and dazed.

But I promise you one thing, if I live till next year,
You won’t find me pulling
My hair out in here.

I’ll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn’t work,
I’LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED !!!

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