A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas. After
the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The TEXAN asked for a
whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He
replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than
let liquor touch my lips.”

The TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, “I didn’t know we had a choice.”

• 0 Comments

Bubba and his wife Daisy were shopping at the grocery store when Bubba picked up a dozen Bud Light and put them it into the shopping cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks Daisy.
“They’re on special, only $10 for 12 bottles” Bubba said.

“Put them back. We can’t afford it,” she told Bubba and carried on shopping.

A few aisles later Daisy picked up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Bubba asked.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” she says.

Bubba says “SO DOES 12 bottles of Bud Light AND IT’S HALF THE PRICE!”

• 0 Comments

Two buddies, Mark and Jon, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Jon throws up all over himself.
“Oh, no… Now my wife will kill me!”

Mark says, “Don’t worry about it. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Jon stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. “You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over yourself! My God, you’re disgusting!”

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Jon says, “Now wait a minute, I can explain everything. It’s not what you think. I only had a couple drinks.

But this other guy got sick on me…he had one too many drinks, and puked on me.
He said he was very sorry and gave me twenty bucks for the cleaning bill.”

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, “But this is forty bucks..”

“Oh, yeah… I almost forgot, he shit in my pants, too!”

• 0 Comments

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”

• 0 Comments