Dennis brings down the Church with his comedy act

with “Bengy and the Zipper.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWH-VToohro

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The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!

I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, “I have some really great news!” I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re
so happy.” She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, “That’s great! I
couldn’t be happier for you.”

Then she said, “There’s more.” I asked, “What do you mean more?”

She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS.”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said…
“I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack.

Both tests came out positive!”

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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove
up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass
window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then
the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry, but you scared the
daylights out of me.”

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry. It’s entirely my fault. Today is
my first day driving a cab; I’ve been driving a hearse
for the last 25 years!”

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She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.  Repairmen refused to work in the house.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!

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