A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything
costs one dollar.

He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck.

His room is only a buck a day!

When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck.

The day before he’s to check out, he heads out to play a last round
and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his
room.

When he’s checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:

Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

Calling over to the manager, he asks, “What is this all about?
Everything is supposed to cost one dollar and you charged me three-
thousand dollars for three golf balls?”

“I’m sorry, sir,” said the manager, “but you didn’t read the fine
print in our promotional brochure. That’s what our golf balls cost.”

“Well,” said the man, “if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I
could gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a
thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would’ve known what I
was paying for!”

“That’s right, sir, you could have,” said the manager. “There, they
get you by the room. Over here, we get you by the balls!”

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A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, “Ewwww—what’s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?”

“I had tolio as a child, ” he answered.

“You mean polio?” she asked.

“No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.”

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.

When the groom took off is pants, his bride wrinkled up her nose.

“What’s wrong with your knees?” she asked. “They’re all lumpy and deformed!”

“As a child, I also had kneasles,” he explained.

“You mean measles?” she asked.

“No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.”

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

“Don’t tell me, ” she said. “Let me guess…..Small Cox?”

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A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to every one’s amazement somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the guy. “He eats everything in sight. Sorry. I’ll pay for everything.”

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he’s in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it in his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“No, what?” replied the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry in his butt, pulled it out and ate it!” said the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first!”

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My wife and I had been married for several months before we had our
first big fight.

One day she asked me that if she died before I did if
I would get married again. I told her, “Yes.”

She then asked me if I would let her sleep in our bed.

I told her, “Yes.” She then asked me
if I would let her wear her clothes. I told her “Yes.”

She then asked me if I would let her use her golf clubs. I told her “no”.
She finally asked me why I would not let her use them and I
replied, “She is left handed!”

“I came too four days later in the hospital.”

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