A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.  

Unfortunately, there is a rip in one of the bags, and every once      in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.  "Ma’am, there are $20 bills
falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really?  Damn!" says the little old lady. "I’d better go back and
see if I can collect them.  Thanks for the warning."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.  "How did you get all that money?
You didn’t steal it, did you?"

"Oh no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there is a game, a lot of the fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds!

So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, ‘$20 or off it comes!’ "

"Well, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck!  By the
way, what’s in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "Not everybody pays."

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A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalized.

When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me.

You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You’ll never need to worry about money."

"Oh, sweetheart, please don’t talk that way," his young wife exclaimed.

"You’ve been so good to me already. If you go, I’ll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you.

Please… tell me what I can do?"

"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."

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True Story from Houston Medical Center…

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.  According to the nurse attending, the patient’s girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don’t know what’s worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you’re married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

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