10. Did you get any under the tree?

9. I think your balls are hanging too low.

8. Check out Rudolph’s Honker!

7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.

6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.

5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?

4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.

3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.

2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?

1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

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In a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great
skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered
me. The three wise men were wearing fireman’s helmets. Totally unable
to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the
counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me,
“You Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her
that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the
Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through
some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, “See,” it says right here, “The three
wise man came from afar.”

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It was Christmas Eve and Ron had still not bought anything for his
for Christmas. So, on his way home, he stopped at that famous
department store, Macy’s.

I’ll just get her some nice perfume, he thought, as he entered the
store. Walking up to the perfume counter, Ron said, “I’m looking
for a nice perfume for my wife for Christmas.”

The cosmetics clerk said, “Certainly, we have several very fine
perfumes.” And she proceeded to show him a bottle of “Elegance”,
$75 an ounce.

“That’s a bit out of my price range,” Ron said.

The clerk returned a moment later with another perfume, “Leave
Him Wondering”, for only $35 an ounce.

“That’s still quite a lot,” he grumbled.

So the clerk brought out a bottle of “Smells Like Heaven”, only $20
an ounce.

At this, Ron grew a bit angry. “Geez,” he exclaimed, “Can’t you
show me something real cheap?”

In response, the clerk handed him a mirror.

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One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.”

After dinner, William’s dad took him aside. “Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She’s a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Dianne said yes! We’re getting married in June.”

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I’m awfully sorry about this.”

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

“Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.”

His mother just shook her head. “Don’t pay any attention to what he says, dear. He’s not really your father.”

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