* Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
* Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
* Don’t Chop Any Wood Mother, I’m Comin’ in With a Load!
* Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
* I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
* I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
* I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
* I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
* I Wanna Whip Your Cow
* I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck
* I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line
* If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You
* If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
* Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
* My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
* My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
* Pardon Me, I’ve Got Someone To Kill
* She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
* She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
* Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone
* They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out
* When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I’ll Think You’re Walking In
* You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too
* You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
* You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
* It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long
* I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
* If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
* If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low
* I’ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight.
* I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart.
* I Would Kiss You Through the Screendoor but It’d Strain Our Love
* Last Night I Went to Bed with a “10″ and Woke this Morning with a “2″
* My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
* My Phone Ain’t been Ringing, so I Guess it Wasn’t You
* She Broke My Heart, I Broke Her Jaw
* She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
* Thanks To The Cathouse, I’m In The Doghouse With You
* There Ain’t Enough Room in my Fruit Of The Looms to Hold All My Lovin’ For You
* At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self-Service Pump
* How Come Your Dog Don’t Bite Nobody But Me?

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My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”
while we are in bed.

I turned to her and said,
“Do you want to have sex?”

“No.” She answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

“Yes.” She replied.

Then I said “I’d like to phone a friend.”
That’s the last thing I remember.

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Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
“T-square, do your stuff.”
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some
paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square,
and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
“Spreadsheet, do your stuff.”
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned
with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies…Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?”
The Government Employee called his cat and said,
“Coffee Break,,,,do your stuff.”

Coffee Break jumped to his feet,
ate the cookies,
drank the milk,
shit on the paper,
screwed the other three cats,
claimed he injured his back while doing so,
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for Workers Compensation and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!!!

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Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ performance as
a lover.

The first woman says “My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always
buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.”

The second woman says, “My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to
play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.”

The third woman just shakes her head and says, “My husband works for
Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it.”

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