A blonde goes to her doctors one day with two red ears.

The doctor immediately asks what happened.

She explains to the doctor, that while she was ironing, the phone rang and she accidentally picked the iron up by mistake.

The doctor says, “what happened to the other ear”?

“The phone rang again”.

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The devil while visiting the living, meets up with a junior lawyer from a large New York law firm.

The devil says, I can make you a senior partner in your law firm.

The lawyer quickly answers “how much”.

The devil replies “your soul, the soul of your wife, the souls of your children and of your parents.

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says “Ok, what’s the catch?”.

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Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
— Winston Churchill

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
— Benjamin Franklin

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
— Ernest Hemmingway

I have yet to meet a woman that I couldn’t drink pretty.
— Anonymous

When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading.
— Anonymous

If alcohol is a crutch, then Jack Daniels is the wheelchair.
— Anonymous

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.
— Mitch Hedberg

To alcohol! The cause of … and solution to all of life’s problems!
— Homer Simpson

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
— George Bernard Shaw

Reality is an illusion created by the lack of alcohol.
— Anonymous

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It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children'ssermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That isa very pretty dress.Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

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