There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say that you’re a lawyer.”

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, “Oh! You’re a lawyer?” He said, “Why, yes I am!” So they went to his place.

When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”

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A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable habits when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man’s penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, “Daddy, what the heck was that?”

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, “It….it was only a bug, Honey.”

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said..

“Sure had a big dick, didn’t it?”

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A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed.
“Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.

“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. “Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”

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A grandmother was pushing her grandchild
around Wal-Mart in a buggy. Each time she
put something in the basket, she would say,
“And here is something for you, Diploma,” or
“This will make a cute little outfit for you,
Diploma,” and so on.

Eventually a bewildered shopper who had
heard all this finally asked, “Why do you keep
calling your grandchild Diploma?”

The grandmother replied, “I sent my daughter
to college and this is what she came home with!”

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